If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
