I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Randomize
