Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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