You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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