I'm going to jail i love you
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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