Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
