this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I FOUND THE LEGS
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
