Duck Duck Cougar?
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize