Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
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