one word: firstdatebathroomanal
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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