I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
