if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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