I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
