Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
