No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Randomize
