I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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