Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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