Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize