moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
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