Moan for me like Helen Keller
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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