I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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