I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
