I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
