big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
