The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
