I am spending my child support on dildos
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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