I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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