When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I have aggressive nipples.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
