She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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