Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
I booty called her while she was in labor.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
