Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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