My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
