she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
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