he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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