allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
