Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
