I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
