I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
