I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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