whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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