so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
