Jerry, you need to find god
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize