no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
