i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
