dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Use "feeling words"
Yay
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
