Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
