I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize