I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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