Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Everclear isn't food dammit
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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