We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
