i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
i believe in u and ur pee
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
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