haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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