At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
