feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
