So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
