God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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