you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
