Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
