Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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