His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
