There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
