Your tits are I can't wait for
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
