I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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