Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
