Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
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