He is such a slut. More and more my type.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Barsexuality is the new black.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
