I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
