i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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