you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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