There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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