Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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