Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Randomize
