I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
